The abandoned desert



I walk on the sand alone, which feels soft like fresh grass and cool like ice at the same moment. I feel the sun  flaring above my head that seems angry to the sands; that stretches more than the sky I could see. It  shines all over the landscape that glares as if  wanting  to say something, maybe wanting its  light  to reach till the end of space where it's dark enough for one to be lost. It keeps on burning endlessly to reach earth which is the only reason of its existence. Well, I feel  it loves to see the planet  from distant space and thus finds beauty in each day. But the desert has been used to the warmth and accepts the anger, jealousy, love and laughter of the sun . The desert seems to be a part of me, wanting to fly among skies that tend to mock me every time.  The desert seems not to like the trees as it feels  restricted by the entangling roots. The roots tend to  stretch in the sands and try to take its only pleasure,  that is its freedom to roam till the river.  The river dazzles  across the desert  trying to survive on the hot sand and rocks every day. She quenches the thirst of the people who come across the desert by mistake,  just like me. Her gratification lies in darkness of the night as it cools down her temper and somewhere gives her a chance to be alive in the middle of a hot desert where I find myself to be all alone. As far as my eyes could go, I could see the sand arranged like sheets piled up on each other that seem simple and exceptional.

I think,  this journey is helping me to find myself  amidst the darkness that is spreading  more than the sun rays above me as night starts to surround  me now. The sky's enticing colours fascinate me through their diverging hues from yellow to orange, orange to pink and so on, like the different incommensurable emotions in me. I feel souls emerging from the brightness of the moon and flying in the night, perhaps  to forget their mistakes and sorrows of past and let them dissolve among the black river that has been changing its colors every night as it just reflects the changing nights of the sky .

 I know, one day I will be a part of the sand and the desert much more than I am now. I would also be like the tiny grains and often try to make beautiful sand dunes to give some life to the place. My body would have perished but my soul would always want to come back here and see the moon; be a part of the air that lives in extremities but never loses its original identity. The desert sometimes gets irritated and irritating at  the same time. I don't like the way it doesn't let  water to be a part of it and makes me feel dry and thirsty. I can sense the claws of death clenching me slowly.

  I feel warmer than the desert, sometimes wanting to give up and just seep down the sand waiting for a next life  because  my optimistic thoughts are coming to an end now. I feel exhausted to even move as I am  not able to find my way back to the lush green farms where I lived,  where the church bells would be a start to my day, where happiness would climb the ladder to my small house, where roads were small but dreams were immortal .

 My tears are outlet of my hidden fear of  death and sorrows of the past. Some painful memories and some  beautiful moments, that have passed throughout these years are emerging in front of  me,  scaring me to depart from everything i possessed and longed for.  My tears express my anger ---anger of not finding out my way -- my heart has suppressed emotions of anger and loss  piled up inside me like the piles of sand beneath the desert. Desert turns them upside down only during the storms... But right now i am flooding with a splurge of mixed emotions; pain of losing precious life which seems so helpless in the hands of merciless desert. It is not helping me to clench my life like it never lets trees to hold on to life through it's bare chest.

This endless sea of desert is like a mirror to me and my life -- it is projecting my faults and my worth to my loved ones.   My tears are sparkling due to beauty of the desert, they look like little diamonds. The sun is shining through them  and it is a blissful moment to feel joy and pain together.  It gives me reason to smile once again, a reason to cherish my surroundings one more time. Suddenly, the sand which  had been there beside  me  absorbs the distress  that was captured  in between the tears, wanting to help me, to show me the vastness of the desert  .
I could feel the loneliness of the desert that has caused her to be coarse  as its sands have never been a place for a family to prosper ,a place for love to flourish, a place for people to be happy or a place where people would come often. It thus gives me a reason to smile at my every tired step. At every step, the view of the horizon offers a little hope ,a hope to live ,a hope to find my way .
The horizon in English, the horizonte in Spanish, afaq in urdu , all means the same but every time  it feels new and different. The horizon makes me realize who I am, encourages me with its soothing effect at noon . Suddenly, I feel the sun going down and down, its warmth decreasing. So  I walk ahead thinking how the moon would look tonight, how the palm trees would make the sounds like a tune that would  fly only in a desert so calm. And how I'll live for one more day as the water that I filled in the flask  from the river has finished.

And from nowhere,  I see  a tree and another after another with some shrubs scattered here and there, a flock of birds flying mesmerizingly back to their homes which enlightened a hope of life within me . From this point of time, I knew  that the desert had ended. I am excited and thrilled to reach urban land but to my surprise, a little part of me feels sad to leave the befuddled place which could be so harsh till the noon but calm and simple  at night as soon as the shining horizon comes to view. I know that it is time to say goodbye to my imagination of the feelings that an abandoned desert could have. Saying goodbye to the landscape for the last time, I capture the picture of the place with my eyes. For the last time, I watch the winds get fast and feel as if the deserts'  coarseness is just her appearance but deep down she is waiting for people like me to let go of their problems in the abundant sands. I feel the desert smiling at my own contemplations.
I  turn away to move on, as the light shines bright above my scattered hair. I turn away to find my way back home.