The abandoned desert



I walk on the sand alone, which feels soft like fresh grass and cool like ice at the same moment. I feel the sun  flaring above my head that seems angry to the sands; that stretches more than the sky I could see. It  shines all over the landscape that glares as if  wanting  to say something, maybe wanting its  light  to reach till the end of space where it's dark enough for one to be lost. It keeps on burning endlessly to reach earth which is the only reason of its existence. Well, I feel  it loves to see the planet  from distant space and thus finds beauty in each day. But the desert has been used to the warmth and accepts the anger, jealousy, love and laughter of the sun . The desert seems to be a part of me, wanting to fly among skies that tend to mock me every time.  The desert seems not to like the trees as it feels  restricted by the entangling roots. The roots tend to  stretch in the sands and try to take its only pleasure,  that is its freedom to roam till the river.  The river dazzles  across the desert  trying to survive on the hot sand and rocks every day. She quenches the thirst of the people who come across the desert by mistake,  just like me. Her gratification lies in darkness of the night as it cools down her temper and somewhere gives her a chance to be alive in the middle of a hot desert where I find myself to be all alone. As far as my eyes could go, I could see the sand arranged like sheets piled up on each other that seem simple and exceptional.

I think,  this journey is helping me to find myself  amidst the darkness that is spreading  more than the sun rays above me as night starts to surround  me now. The sky's enticing colours fascinate me through their diverging hues from yellow to orange, orange to pink and so on, like the different incommensurable emotions in me. I feel souls emerging from the brightness of the moon and flying in the night, perhaps  to forget their mistakes and sorrows of past and let them dissolve among the black river that has been changing its colors every night as it just reflects the changing nights of the sky .

 I know, one day I will be a part of the sand and the desert much more than I am now. I would also be like the tiny grains and often try to make beautiful sand dunes to give some life to the place. My body would have perished but my soul would always want to come back here and see the moon; be a part of the air that lives in extremities but never loses its original identity. The desert sometimes gets irritated and irritating at  the same time. I don't like the way it doesn't let  water to be a part of it and makes me feel dry and thirsty. I can sense the claws of death clenching me slowly.

  I feel warmer than the desert, sometimes wanting to give up and just seep down the sand waiting for a next life  because  my optimistic thoughts are coming to an end now. I feel exhausted to even move as I am  not able to find my way back to the lush green farms where I lived,  where the church bells would be a start to my day, where happiness would climb the ladder to my small house, where roads were small but dreams were immortal .

 My tears are outlet of my hidden fear of  death and sorrows of the past. Some painful memories and some  beautiful moments, that have passed throughout these years are emerging in front of  me,  scaring me to depart from everything i possessed and longed for.  My tears express my anger ---anger of not finding out my way -- my heart has suppressed emotions of anger and loss  piled up inside me like the piles of sand beneath the desert. Desert turns them upside down only during the storms... But right now i am flooding with a splurge of mixed emotions; pain of losing precious life which seems so helpless in the hands of merciless desert. It is not helping me to clench my life like it never lets trees to hold on to life through it's bare chest.

This endless sea of desert is like a mirror to me and my life -- it is projecting my faults and my worth to my loved ones.   My tears are sparkling due to beauty of the desert, they look like little diamonds. The sun is shining through them  and it is a blissful moment to feel joy and pain together.  It gives me reason to smile once again, a reason to cherish my surroundings one more time. Suddenly, the sand which  had been there beside  me  absorbs the distress  that was captured  in between the tears, wanting to help me, to show me the vastness of the desert  .
I could feel the loneliness of the desert that has caused her to be coarse  as its sands have never been a place for a family to prosper ,a place for love to flourish, a place for people to be happy or a place where people would come often. It thus gives me a reason to smile at my every tired step. At every step, the view of the horizon offers a little hope ,a hope to live ,a hope to find my way .
The horizon in English, the horizonte in Spanish, afaq in urdu , all means the same but every time  it feels new and different. The horizon makes me realize who I am, encourages me with its soothing effect at noon . Suddenly, I feel the sun going down and down, its warmth decreasing. So  I walk ahead thinking how the moon would look tonight, how the palm trees would make the sounds like a tune that would  fly only in a desert so calm. And how I'll live for one more day as the water that I filled in the flask  from the river has finished.

And from nowhere,  I see  a tree and another after another with some shrubs scattered here and there, a flock of birds flying mesmerizingly back to their homes which enlightened a hope of life within me . From this point of time, I knew  that the desert had ended. I am excited and thrilled to reach urban land but to my surprise, a little part of me feels sad to leave the befuddled place which could be so harsh till the noon but calm and simple  at night as soon as the shining horizon comes to view. I know that it is time to say goodbye to my imagination of the feelings that an abandoned desert could have. Saying goodbye to the landscape for the last time, I capture the picture of the place with my eyes. For the last time, I watch the winds get fast and feel as if the deserts'  coarseness is just her appearance but deep down she is waiting for people like me to let go of their problems in the abundant sands. I feel the desert smiling at my own contemplations.
I  turn away to move on, as the light shines bright above my scattered hair. I turn away to find my way back home.

reminiscence

Yesterday, her eyes sparkled with hope and surprise when she  stood strong in front of the Eiffel tower with her lover .

But now, she stands there at his funeral  trying to relive the moments when wind was merely a carrier for their love to fly , filled with only a  sweet essence of peace and thus she would find love in each painful memory. But death meant end of the world to her. She felt as if something was missing, maybe her smile, maybe her life that she used to cherish a while ago . And there,  she had tears in her golden eyes with the same sparkle at the lovers funeral. They tried to hide the anguish and pain of moments which were as fresh as the air crossing by.

The old lady with a black gown

The old lady was sitting on a bench at the park. She wore a black gown . She looked as elegant as a queen in exile, suppressing the real self and the real beauty. She wore the black gown as she felt safe and secure from the world. She had long hair as white as snow which exhibited her shyness to the world. Her eyes were as black as the night but her soul was an affectionate one.  She seemed  baffled  by the world and by her life . She is going  through its last stage and is confused with  the world that has given her a lifetime of experiences. It has moulded her soul. She knew that her end was near and in a way she accepted everything that was to come . She wanted to feel the essence  of being alive thus she opened her shoes perhaps for the last time  and moved her toes through the soft grass to feel the cool dew drops. She then tried to close her eyes and recollect and feel the times when she used to be young, the time that ended so soon due to her responsibilities in her life. She tried to recall her golden days, the time that she shared with her father . Whenever, she closed her eyes she was to open to her past, the past which made her who she was today. She would feel the tropical sunlight above her head  ,the continuous waves through her feet and the hugs which connected her to others . She tried to feel the time when she held her daughter for the first time and led her through life.  Suddenly,  she struggled to get up from the bench and started to move slowly  through the group of children to reach the swing nearby  and slowly balanced herself on the swing somehow . Perhaps to remember the time with her daughter that faded so quickly. To my surprise, I saw her riding over the waves, not so fast but elegantly, her smile seemed signature of her liveliness. For a while, this all freshened her  up  and tried to put an end to the day long misery . All I could see was a small girl with her shining eyes in a state of composure. 

She had  many wrinkles which showed the love and care she had for her family and all the great problems she had  passed over the years .And  today, there she is waiting for the end of physical existence but her soul is waiting to experience new lessons of life . Her face portrayed  a new hope and serenity, and so she sits there smiling waiting for the  new beginning...

the girl with golden hair

she sits there besides a window in her house closing her eyes ,annoyed and disatisfied by this world ,she wants to ignore everything around her and forget  all her sufferings in her life .she is in a pensive mood thus, she wants to take rest from this world as she has suffered greatly that now her patience and faith in god has collapsed .she moves her fingers between her beautiful hair only to make herself feel, to be accompanied .her golden hair shines because of the blaring sun rays in the sky  . she sits there by the window only to seek god one day and ask the reason for her sufferings.she had always suffered from a fate of abandonment .thus she was abandoned by her parents ,abandoned by her friends and then abandoned by her lover who promised to never leave her and at last felt abandoned by her god . Her tears roll over  her cheeks and then towards her lips which have been waiting for a smile.her tears shine like jewels speaking of a history of what she had.  She is not weak or coward but instead strong, strong  with her emotions and brave to live everyday alone.these tears gives her celerity to be calm and go on and on in her  life  .she may not find god one day but she may find herself to be sucessfull in every relationship .she has not been able to play a role in a normal life but  she needs to let go and move on with what she got and  start a new fresh life . Today she just needs to understand that this is just a lesson of her life and she needs to face it gracefully for a bright future.she may be exhausted but she has not died, inside her still lies a girl who's just waiting there for a perfect life. A period that's just waiting for her, she just needs to wake up and get out and shine like her golden hair because its my belief that one day she will find a family of her own.

my wishful imagination

What do I want?

The question that I usually  ask myself.   What do I want? What is my dream, my wish.?
I want something exceptional  and vast than this world , something that is not valuable but still could earn me happiness,something that I tend to find at places where I go.
And that  is Silence.. A place filled with Silence and serenity that would offer me taciturnity . I want to go to a place where I could freely be  with myself and be happy with what I am.sometimes  I want to sit besides a lake surrounded by beautiful massive trees where I could hear the fishes to fight against the water,  trying to come out of it only to seek the shining  rays of the sun that would  be trying to give me warmth  only to surround me so that I could never feel myself to be alone. I want that I could sit on the soft ground that just accepts me for who I am.I want no ones presence instead of myself and silent companions who would be giving me more than anything in the world and that is, a wide smile on my face that could last for a lifetime. I want to sit near the lake  so that I could have a time of pure silence with my shadow that has  been quite tired with me so that I could have a time with myself, a time in which I could have no thoughts instead of capturing the mesmerizing, beautiful nature in front of my eyes accepting me and waiting for me for a large period of time.
I want to close my eyes and feel the wind to move across my face trying to find a smile  across it again and again. I would want a rhythm to fly around me, a rhythm that could reach till my heart and give me love,a rhythm that is unsung or unheard ,a rhythm that has been within me.
I would want to cry, not for any purpose but so that the teardrops could roam around my face and give me strength to rise  and fight again,teardrops filled with allegiance and memories  that I cherish  ... I want the sun to be as bright as it could be so that it could give me a big hug, that I have been waiting for, a hug that waited for me,  to give me glee and to make me feel accompanied.I want to sit back with myself and watch the sun and clouds play hide and seek. I want to watch the sun move right above me and at Last seeming that the  earth swallowed the glowing sun.. Then I would would like to view the sky to change it  colours dark and light as if changing it's dresses and at Last exhausted ,  wears a dark blue, black gown that would shine all around that my eyes have been waiting for.. I would want to lie down on the ground which would be filled with young soft grass and where I could smell the soil and not be bothered of anything.I would want to see a shooting star that would make the sky glow a little by its presence. ..I would like my soul to retire for a while from out of my old body and fly around the dark mountains waiting for the sun to come and  glow and try to reach the stars and fly high  only to feel the freedom from this world but would want to return back and move into my body that has been with me for a while now and have celebrated everyday together. I would want to breath in the smell of wet soil and the fresh air that would surround me. I would for a small time would like to forget who I am and just remember myself as a strong soul trying to find its path for a never ending journey.this silence gives me myself, gives me who I.am.. When I'm obscured or filled with anger I just try to peek into this world of perfection that is just an imagination  that not only repairs me till my roots but also gives me peace which I sometimes try to find which is always inside me....

a confused time

another season for the tree to sleep  in wonder  ,another season for it to remember the pleasent days of spring,another season for it to cherish each and every  water droplet of rain splashing through its young leaves and yet   another season to relax and grow, having a feeling of happiness and relaxation after the hard days of the year,  but still searching to escape the time so as to not to miss the pleasant sounds of chirping birds who would sit all day long trying to give a massage on its massive arms by dancing beautifully on as a symbol of love, but the tree stands there wanting to stop the time, wanting to gain all the memories of charm , thus  searching for the happiness to spring deep down  inside,the tree wants some time of pure love and a companion to live and that companion for it is the happiness and love  around the park all day around but yet he needs to wait for the spring to arrive, praying to god but still unable to do anything at the confused time,just  standing there mollified  .the main reason for it is to gain that happiness is so as to remember the beautiful days of love with his mother around the park  when he used to be a young sapling trying to grow in the the season of happiness in the soft soil. But a bad storm took what little he had . He doesn't want to shed it's leaves and sleep but instead want to wait for its old companion to return a day. 

the silent tree

the silent tree

each leaf represents the love and charm it has given since it grew from a shoot through the dark soil to the giant tree it has become, just standing and supporting through its silence in the forest..............